Style Conversational Week 1374: Hip-hopping through history The Empress of The Style Invitational discusses this week’s contest and results Then-9-year-old James Yanovitch, along with his little brother, performing mom Amanda's “Santa vs. Raffi” rap for Week 993 of The Style Invitational in 2012. We hope they'd like to do another one for this week's contest, Week 1374. See the video below. By Pat Myers March 5, 2020 at 4:40 p.m. EST Once again The Style Invitational assures the world — and reminds itself — that we do indeed partake of the 21st century. (Well, some of us.) We even did all the way back in, well, 2012. Be gentle. Week 1374 is our second homage to Epic Rap Battles of History, the video series begun amateurishly by “Nice Peter” Shukoff and “EpicLLOYD” Ahlquist in 2010 and now an award-winning franchise with 14.7 million YouTube subscribers. The conceit, which has stayed pretty much intact, is that two real or fictional characters, usually with something or other in common, trash-talk each other in a battle of rhymes. The ERB videos are lots of fun. The lyrics, though, even when performed are, well, not Loser-caliber. As witty writing goes, they’re way out of the league of Weird Al Yankovic, who’s just astonishingly talented on several levels. The reason that today’s Bob Staake cartoon is of Sigmund Freud vs. Mother Teresa while the example is of Guy Fawkes vs. Che Guevara: I couldn’t find a pair of good enough, usable* rhymes in Siggy-Terry, and so I went with the better ones of Guy-Che, even though many readers probably aren’t familiar with at least one of the combatants. (*This, the cleverest line, was too tasteless and rhymed terribly: Sigmund: “An exception to my theory! I can’t believe this!/ Here we have a Mother that no one wants to sleep with!”) AD ADVERTISING So it’s a good thing we have lots of Losers who are precisely Loser-caliber in the witty-writing department. I’m confident we’ll have lots of fun rhymes, and I’m hopeful that we’ll get a few videos as well. Even eight years ago, Loser Amanda Yanovitch sent in a delightful video complete with (highly useful) subtitles. Note that I’m giving you an extra week to do a video; the deadline is March 23 rather than March 16 for the just-words rhymes. The subtitles are a no-go? That should be all right in this contest if you speak clearly; for song parodies they’re almost essential. My only reservation is that the subject matter — trash-talking x famous people — could overlap with a contest whose results haven’t run yet: the “Balliol rhymes” of Week 1372. But this one involves pairs of people, and the pairing might be one of the wittier elements, so I’m optimistic. One big word of advice: Do not write in dialect, beyond the occasional “yo,” “mo’,” etc. Thank you. AD Here’s a bunch of what got ink in Week 993, November 2012. You can read the rest here. The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: Aunt Jemima vs. Mrs. Butterworth: Aunt J: You got an old-lady voice that always sounds so proper! Always hating on the leading runny pancake topper! You say you’re thick and rich, now that’s hard to chew — You’re just a talking plastic bottle! I’ll recycle you! Mrs. B: You’re better than me, huh? You’d better check your label: It’s not just me who’s putting hexametaphosphate on the table! You’re just jealous of the squeezing that I get every day — You’re an aunt, but I’m a Mrs., and that’s all I’m gonna say! (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) 2. First Witch from “Macbeth”: You wrote a few old cookbooks. So? Big freakin’ deal! In my cauldron I am makin’ a more exotic meal! Julia Child: I spit upon your bat and on your tongue of dog; AD (But I confess: That there is one luscious-looking frog!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 3. Pontius Pilate: We’ve been at this for hours, and I’d like to go home. Traffic’s getting pretty heavy on all roads that lead to Rome. Jesus: You need to practice patience and become more unselfconscious That my Father named me Jesus and your father named you Pontius. Pilate: Naming is irrelevant! They say you walk on water! (My life’d be so much easier if Mary’d had a daughter!) Jesus: Have you seen my halo, Pontius? It’s as if my head were skylit! The biggest diff between us, bro, is that God is my pilot. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City) 4. John Grisham: My immense success just goes to show what’s achievable When you have no talent — it’s really unbelievable! Dan Brown: You think you have no talent? Let me tell you, suckah, AD I can’t write for dirt and I can’t even rhyme! (Andrew Ballard, London) Under raps: Honorable mentions Abominable Snowman: You think you’re gross? I’m grosser, and indomitable! And furthermore, folks tell me I’m abominable. Medusa: My snaky locks are writhing like spaghetti; Come take a look! You ain’t seen nuthin’, yeti! (Beverley Sharp) Adam: “Try this fruit!” says you, my rib-stealing be-otch! Now the Original Sinna’s gotta fig-leaf his cre-otch. Eve: For the very first man, yo’ head is way second-rate — You’d be outta luck, playa, if I’d a choice in my mate. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) Easter Bunny: “Your North Pole ice is melting fast, and Mrs. Claus has sung at last! Your slave-kept elves will all applaud when kids find out that you’re a fraud.” Santa Claus: “I have no fear, you furry freak, who lays the eggs for hide-and-seek! AD When those kids learn the same ’bout you, in no time you’ll be Brunswick stew.” (Mark Raffman, Reston) Santa vs. Raffi (Amanda Yanovitch, featuring James and Bruce Yanovitch, [then] ages 9 and 7) --- Kanye West: Interruption! Interruption! I gotta get a word in! The fact you beat Beyoncé’s just a little bit absurd, an’ — Taylor Swift: Yo, Westie, maybe country music’s not your thing, But there’s two of us onstage right now, and only one can sing. (Christopher Lamora) Neil Armstrong: You presidents, you’re all the same, But one small step assured my fame! Gerald Ford: I run the show, command our troops; I’ve taken LOTS of steps, and (OOPS!) . . . (Beverley Sharp) Julia Child: You baked your aunt in a brioche? Your taste in food, mon Dieu, très gauche! Dear gastro-fool, when eating Auntie: Pecorino or chianti? AD Hannibal Lecter: I’ll carve your face in bas-relief, you massive, pompous side of beef! Take heed or I’ll remove your heart, frappé it in my Cuisinart! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Thomas Edison: Nikky-boy, you worked for me, I am the boss. I got Direct profits, you pulled a loss. I’m the Wizard of Menlo, with patents that burgeon, You’re a footnote of history, and you died a virgin. Nikola Tesla: You may have done some experiments but I did all your math. Maybe you should experiment with a lightbulb in the bath. It may be a shock to you, we’re Alternating today: Your current gets a D, while my current gets an A. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) Thor: You’re still just a human; I’m a legendary god. Get as tall as you like; you’ll make a nice lightning rod. Bruce Banner: Go ahead, bring your lightning and you’ll lose in a flash AD As I grind you to . . . oh, forget the rap. HULK SMASH! (Stephen Gilberg, Washington) Ha/low be thy name*: The results of Week 1370 *Non-inking headline by Jesse Frankovich Right from the start, the Week 1370 contest was much more fun to judge than the previous week’s typo-jokes: not because all the entries were wonderful, but because a lot of them were. The contest asked you to write something about a person using only the letters in that person’s name. The challenge is nowhere as restrictive as an anagram contest, since you may repeat letters and also not use some letters, but with a working alphabet of a dozen letters or so, and sometimes significantly fewer — Kim Jung Un offers a mere seven — “This was HARD,” noted one Loser who boasts tons of ink from other Invite contests. But I wasn’t using some scale based on the number of name-letters: Instead, I looked for entries that were funny and fun to read, and didn’t force the reader to slog through it, trying to puzzle out what it was talking about. (One that fell into the latter camp: Here’s just half of one for Vladimir Putin: “Ritual: Implant Puritan in inapt rumina. Train pliant unlaid in lap. Plum unit. Lip plant. Martini, minutia... Rapt pant....”) AD I was never worried that I’d have enough good material — I figured that I could fill the page with entries from a handful of our anagram savants alone — but I was surprised at how much depth there was: many good entries were robbed of ink, especially variations on the entries I chose. Frank Osen’s Florida Man edged out Sam Mertens’s; Chris Doyle’s runner-up of Stormy Daniels was the best of at least three very good ones. As he did on several earlier contests, Longtime Loser Gary Crockett proved utterly invaluable for volunteering to validate all the entries with a program he designed. I sent him my seriously misnamed shortlist yesterday afternoon and he sent it back to me minutes later, with numerous letters, capitalized and marked in red, that were not in the people’s names: an R for Monica Lewinsky, an O for Ernest Hemingway, a B (in “deplorables”) that wasn’t any of the letters of “President Donald John Trump.” And yes, though I didn’t know it yet, one of Gary’s entries did make my cut. And yes, it does use all the right letters. Of course, the contest was finished before — and published minutes before — Sen. Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the presidential race this morning. But Melissa Balmain’s Lose Cannon-winning entry works as a postmortem on her candidacy as well. Pete Buttigieg and Mike Bloomberg also “suspended” their candidacies after the entry deadline, but just a few days ago, and I didn’t see any reason to pull the excellent inking entries about them. (Also not going to get into quibbles that Buttigieg can no longer be titled “Mayor.”) This is about the millionth win for Melissa, and the millionty-millionth runners-up for Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich. So I’ll just note the great week for rookie Steve Smith, who got three blots of ink today (I can’t tell you Steve’s total ink accumulation because the Losers’ website, NRARS.org, is temporarily down; I refer to Elden Carnahan’s magnum opus about 10 times a day, and I can’t wait until it’s all back up — should be very soon.) What Doug Dug: Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood was partial to Melissa’s winner and Chris’s Stormy Daniels tour de force, as well as to Frank Mann’s gestapolemic Stephen Miller as well as to Steve Smith’s "“I agree.” (Angry Twitter rant by T.) “I no longer agree.” Because Doug reads the Invite before I add the Web-only entries, he didn’t see the amazingly readable synopsis of “Hamilton” by Matt Monitto (which vetted perfectly except for one expendable S). BTW, “Alexander Hamilton” has only 11 unique letters. I read it out loud with delight to the Royal Consort, taking only one 15-minute intermission. And, yes, a whole lot of people sent entries for “Pat Myers,” with several in suck-up mode. Really, did you think I’d run “Smart, pretty Empress”? (Although I did blush at “Smart, pert Empress, pretty temptress — marry me!”)